felt a bit sad after reading Rini's blog. Felt that her whole blog entry for monday was directed at me.Maybe it's true, i do very much live in a fantasy world. well, not all the time, but very often. ok, shit, why am i feeling so upset now.
But i have to say i'm a big coward. I'm an escapist. i want to do many things in life, but no, i don't dare to. i build a wall all around me and nobody can see what i really am. well, maybe some do know quite a lot about me, but i will never never ever tell anyone what i really am. it's like the only thing i can keep to myself. If i let people know about me, I feel vulnerable. really vulnerable.
and i'm overprotective about certain things. like my friends. i have to say i never had many friends. Maybe i was too quiet, too boring, whatever. but i have to say i only have so few of them, sometimes i can become overly clingy. maybe in a subtle way. I am so darn scared that i will lose all my friends in this world and be a lonely freak. and sometimes when i'm upset with any of my friends, i will never ever tell them. because i am so so afraid i will lose all of them. and i hide my feelings. hiding them makes me feel safe. if i'm upset with you, i will cry, but never in front of you. i may cry in front of my family when i'm sad about something else, but when i'm upset with them, they'll never see my tears. if my mother accuses me wrongly, i will not tell her. and i have to say, sometimes it feels so safe just to tell everybody nothing. Maybe that's why i don't deserve any friends.
Sometimes i feel so much like Charles Kingshaw. not wholly, but in some aspects. Of course if Hooper bullies me i'll plan a revenge. oh yes, an evil revenge, but i'll regret it before it;s done anyway. but just like Kingshaw, i probably will never tell my mother that Hooper bullies me. no..and yes, i think i'll stick to Fielding like nuts. he's my only friend. and when Hooper finally gets to know Fielding, I'll back away. and i'll manage to convince myself that Fielding doesn't like me.
I've read story books, stories about great friends. just two people, who could count on each other, visit each other, tell each other secrets, laugh together, cry together. that's my definition of a best friend. and i have to tell you i;m dying to be someone's best friend, but i'm unfortunately, i'm quite a number of people's friend, but i have no best friend. i still remember in primary school, i treated this girl as a best friend. but she didn't treat me as one. everytime we agree to meet up, at the last minute, she decideds to do something else and didn't even call me to tell me. and it happened so many times that you feel horribly upset. but it doesn't mean i've stopped liking her.
and i have to say i'm different. i'm like nobody else. and it's so bad cos i can't click with anybody. just like rini can't click with me, sometimes i feel i can't click with her. well, there are times where she is really fun and funny to be with. but sometimes i feel lost, i don't know what to say to her cos we are so different. she likes this, i don't like this, i like that and she doesn't like that. Kirsten is a very nice person to talk to also. and when we talk about topics we both like it's fun. but i'm pretty brainless about other things except for stuffs i like and Kirsten is just so smart that sometimes you feel lost talking to her too. she knows this and you don't and you've got nothing to talk about. Vicki is also very nice to talk to. it's fun talking to her. she's lotr mad, and i'm only sometimes half-mad in lotr. oh well, we're still great friends anyway.
But in a situation where just say the whole school has to partner somebody. i'll find that i'll be partnerless and i'll probably be paired up with somebody i don't know very well/
but sometimes i feel like i'm born in teh wrong century. why am i so different from everybody? and i've never, up till now, found anythign i'm good at, and sometimes it's so despairing to find that you're good...at nothing! I'm the only crazy girl who's totally nuts about the Nazis. but it's odd you see. I'm odd. and my music tastes are so different.teenagers like rock n pop n whatever. i find some of them nice to listen to, yes. but i won't like them immensely. I'm more nuts on songs like braveheart, and i will love to hear Frank Sinatra's Come fly with me. In fact i'm pining all my hopes on John Stevens IV to win the American Idol. ok, i'm drifting off the topic...
hahahaa, ok, suddenly feel so nice n free. after writing all this. to think i was so upset when i started/
well, whatever it is, i think it's pretty harmless to switch to my fantasy world sometimes. when i listen to my braveheart song, my heart will soar to Scotland. It has always been my dream, to travel the whole of Europe. and when i'm feeling stressed, i would wish i would never never grow up. but well, i always switch back to reality anyway. and whenever i;m stressed, i'll just blast my braveheart music and off i go to Scotland. Great way of relieving stress.
I do hope to meet Lotta one day. because i do treat her as my very very best friend. but it's just that she's so far off that she seems so unreachable sometimes.
whatever it is, I'd like to end with a poem. ok, for those who doesn't like poem, who cares anyway. as long i like it. this is my favourite poem. i've memorised it and it's written by Sir Walter Scott. The title is The lay of the Last Minstrel.
" O Caledonia! Stern and wild,
Meet nurse for a poetic child,
Land of brown heath and shaggy wood,
Land of the mountain and the flood,
Land of my sires! what mortal hand
Can e'er untie the filial band
That knits me to thy rugged strand?"