I should start feeling depressed. well, to start with, i got very low for Physics. i can't remember the mark, but i think it's 56. well, that's lower than i expected. i sort of studied for it, so...well, the paper was dissapointing, but i wasn't feeling depressed or anything. Oddly, i felt horrendously depressed when we were doing the New Town Paper. I was like, hmm, dunno, hmm, dunno. and i see Hara, Khine mon and kiki all discussing like some learned scholars and there i sat, totally stuck at the first question. very depressing. so, being sad, i had to express it somehow and i wrote something. not a poem, just junk cos i can't write poems. and the fact that i can't even write poems made me even more upset. you know, what actually am i good at? so, being not in the right state of mind, i started drawing you-know-what pictures. say, i think i better take control of meself and stop drawing those gory pics. but sometimes i can't help it. i drew a girl who put a gun on her head, a girl who lay sprawled on the floor after jumping and a girl with her throat cut. see, not only am i bloody useless, i am bloody crazy. well after that, i started to walk around and doing senseless stuffs and getting weird stares. well, i suppose i am crazy but i don't normally show it to the whole world.
Today, i found out i flunked me Chem. i have to say, i have no feelings, no depression, nothing. in fact, i just felt a sense of inevitability. yes, like Kingshaw. like, yep, that's expected. and i was pretty happy actually. siao. i think i'm a hopeless case now. tried to do a maths. (yes, this is another paper i will fail) and bleh, couldn't get it. yes, it's retribution, for not listening to mrs chua. and i tried to do the homework. and i can't ok. i can't. dang it, they'll probably make me drop a maths and drop to phy-chem. which means, pay more money, which means make my mom upset, which means i'll be super guilty cos i let me dad down and he earns money so hard and yet i'm such a foul darn person. Dang it bel, study, work, use your brain. well, i suppose i have been lazy for too long, i am beyond redemption. i can no longer keep up, and sigh...never mind never mind never mind!
ARRRR! Bloody bloody bloody
why am i like this?
I think if people know the 100% real me, they'll hate me like shit. bleh, i don't even know what's the real me anymore. what am I? i'm horrible, stupid and a good-for-nothing cretin. you should be ashamed of me.