Long day today.
I was rather attentive during Chinese Class today. HAHA... kept aksing the teachers questions. haha.. feel pretty good. and i just realise this will be the last time i'm learning Chinese.. hope i don't forget it when i go US.
Went to the NEWater Plant with the class. it was okay, and we were just walking around and looking at the videos and presentations and we got a free bottle of NEWater each. haha.. Kelly says it tastes funny. I think it's just her imagination.
Then, later, I went with SFC to Westcoast Park. Hot day. It was really fun! :D At first, we had some icebreaker game then went bang bang. and we played with the flying fox and eating bananas. and I have to admit, the banana is pretty good. I miss eating bananas. HAHA.. Then we had to do some sort of race. Joel had to spin and spin round that thing. I didn't know how bad that spinning thing was, until Chao Yuan turned me and Soph 15 rounds and after that, i finally understood the true meaning of : THE WORLD WAS SPINNING
It was seriously scary. I couldn't even open my eyes and while spinning, i was ready to drop off the thing alreayd. Gosh.. after that, i felt like puking and the effect lasted about an hour. Yeah, anyways, i had to crawl through some sort of webby tunnel. I am claustrophobic and i hate climbing through tunnels because I feel like I'm going to be trapped there forever all my life. SO i practically scampered past the tunnel like a maniac. hehe
Then, there was that web thing. It's like all the ropes, then you have to climb to the top type.. dunno how to describe it. I Have NEVER climbed one my whole life before. Because :
1) My foot gets stuck on the first square
2) I am SCARED of height
SURPRISINGLY, I WANTED to climb that thing. It's like WOAH!! And I expected to feel fear, but there was none, I was just scaling up the ropes, looking at the huge holes and imaging how one would fall and feeling absolutely no fear. I'm pretty surprised at myself today actually. Normally, I wouldn't face my fears. I would just back away and run away from my fears and problems, just like I do every time and day. But I guess it came to a point where I got a wee bit sick of just escaping. I've been thinking about it for the past week actually, about the way I run away from everything. Last week was basically terrible for me because I was just trying to run away, wishing I could sleep and sleep and sort of die in my sleep so i never have to wake up again. Truthfully, I missed school for a day because I didn't want to face the world. But on that day, I thought and thought and contiuned thinking throughout the whole week. WHY AM I ALWAYS RUNNING AWAY? I guess it's just how it's been all my life. But i guess maybe I'll try to change myself a little, quit pitying myself and face the harsh reality. I had promised myself that i will NEVER EVER EVER cry for myself, EVER. Self Pity should just DIE. and well, it's weird, but everything I feel like crying now, I am able to stop it such that not a single tear drops. It's wonderful. I NEVER want to cry, not for myself. It's disgusting. If someone hurts me, fine, i guess I'll just have to be grim and accept it. I don't want to cry for anything stupid.
It was fun climbing that thing actually. To someone who's used to it, climbing it might be nothing. But to me, who's been runnign away from fear all my life, I guess it's a start. and maybe i could go back and climb to the top again one day. Scared as I am of height, I enjoy the feeling of being on high ground, the feeling of freedom and being at the top of the world overlooking everything.
I think I could term this the year of change. Never have I faced so many changes in one year and faced so many inner struggles to defend what's left of the good in me. The evil side of me is still trying so hard to surface. *sigh* But it's good that all these changes are taking place I guess.. maybe I'm learning.. and preparing myself for College. hehe. so i won't still remain so stupid.
but there's still a few things I can't get used to. It's still hard for me to retain my confidence. I might be confident at one point of time and something might happen and the next minute, I'll be shrinking away out of sight. and it's a little strange to say this when I've lived for almost 17 years.. but I can't get used to socializing with people. It's a little odd to me. I see a whole group of people, talking and encouraging one another, having fun and laughing. It's so new to me. haha.. weird. But looking at the people at the SFC, i feel like an alien visiting Planet Earth for the first time. So, this is how people interacting and befriend one another. It;s all a shock to me and I still can't get used to the large number of people I'm meeting, gathering and having a fellowship with. I'm trying to deal with it bit by bit, but sometimes there's still the awkward feeling and i am still a little FREAKED OUT when I see so many people. I mean, they are friendly and all but I've talked to so few people all my life i don't even know what to say. So i always end up speechless. Rather silly i think.
It's weird. I LOVE to talk. but most people don't know that. I actually like to be around people and attract attention and talk a lot. But only my close friends know that i guess. Generally, people think i'm quiet and shy. It's not true. I guess i just don't know HOW to talk to people i don't know well, so i end up shutting up. Well, as you can see from my extremely long blog entry, you can just guess how much i talk normally. My sister wishes sometimes i could just shut up for a minute. haha
AH well, i wish i could control my fluctuating emotions anyways. I think people think I'm very irritating and all that because sometimes i say the wrong things cos i dunno wad to say. Stupid. And i really dunno whether joining that singing thing was a good idea. Part of me likes it, but half the time during practice, I lose whatever confidence I have because I'm the worst singer and dancer. BLAH I just feel like the whole world is going to fall on the floor laughing at me, judging me and I would feel like retracting away away away from everything.
and OUCH! I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A CAVITY! NOOO PANIC ATTACK! I had SEVEN cavities last time and it was the worst time of my life. I experienced the most excruciating pains of pains bcos i refused to take anesthethic. I won't be so stupid this time. HEH!
