I'm starting to hate my blog layout. (no offense, Dan)
but i'm kinda sick of it.
and I want to change it.
But stupid ol' me knows nothing about this and have no idea of how to change it.
and i have to keep asking kixie to do it for me.

I kinda want to do it myself you know. It's like the layout that kixie does is nice, but somehow, it's kinda different from what i really want you know. I want to do it on me own, but dunno how to. :(
Anyway, went to Takashimaya yesterday. Saw a radio control car for $9.90 and was looking and looking at it till the salesman think im nuts. But I want it so badly! I love these stuffs. Too bad the battery compartment for my radio control Porsche is not working anymore, if not, i'll be playing this very moment. SIGH. I guess I'll just wait till I have kids and buy him/her a radio control helicopter! YEAH! man, I can't wait to have kids. ok, this is stupid, I'll probably borrow the toy from my kid all the time.
And I saw a 2005 calender. OF SCOTLAND! EEEEE! I was staring at it again. looking at all the beautiful Scotch scenery. n there's two pic on the Island of Skye. Then, my eyes spotted the price. $23!!!!! aieee...cannot get it again. :(
:(

AHHHH! I'M SO BORED!
Before the 'O' Levels, everyone is making plans of how we should all go out and play together. Now that the exams are over, everyone disappeared! Nobody is contactable anymore. When I called Vicks, nobody answered the phone. Kixie wasn't online the WHOLE day of yesterday. Where has everyone gone?? I'm bored bored bored of staying at home and doing nothing. UGH.
and then, I'm going to go back to Indo is one week's time and by the time I come back everyone will be so busy again nobody will go out with me again. HMMPH!
And when I'm in Indo, I have absolutely no friends and I'll be stuck at home again.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm a wingless bird. and even if I do have wings, I have nowhere to fly to.

Why do we have to conform to society? It binds you and gives you no freedom. It decides who and what you are. It decides how you should look. It JUDGES. The people on this Earth are like victims on a trial. Each and every day, a person has to face multiple trials. Problems after flung on our faces one by one. It's endless. Some say these challenges will make a person stronger. Stronger? For what? So that we could face even more difficult challenges? We live in a world full of dirt and muck, and we have to wade through these obstacles before getting to the end. And what is at the end point, I ask you? The end is death. We struggle all our lives and it all ends at one thing---death. This is a bleak viewpoint of life. But life IS Harsh. We can never escape from it. Never ever ever.

Death. By dying, we could perhaps escape. I might think this way sometimes, but upon considering it carefully, death does not help. By killing ourselves, we merely reach the end point earlier. And what comes after death? It's a question we all have to contemplate. When we die, does it all end, just like that? Or is a more terrible fate waiting for us, perhaps?

Life is full of bitterness and struggles. But I guess, there might be some happiness in our lives after all. The joy of laughter, the warmth of love...I guess these things are the driving force that makes us live on. These things enables us to struggle on till we reach the destinated time where we finally leave this world.

But I feel no love. I feel devoid of emotion. I feel empty deep inside.

"Your eyes are empty" My father once said, "That shows your heart is empty." He was right. I am empty. Deep down inside, I'm devoid of emotion. I feel nothing. Perhaps the only feeling I have is hate. I live in a shell. A decorated shell. To the world, I'm a normal girl. Perhaps rather crazy at times, but otherwise, I am fine. But I'm not. I live in a dark world, cursing and plotting revenges. There's fire in my eyes when I'm angry, and dark thoughts swirl in my mind. But no one knows, my decorated shell is thick and strong. It is almost unpenetrable.

I feel lonely now, and sad. Emotions. Perhaps I do have them after all. But part of me hates them. Part of me wants to be cold, ignored, and hated by all. To be the most accursed creature on Earth. But the other part of me wants to be loved and cared for. To be a happy and normal being.

The world is a desolate place. So cold, so dark. I can't fight my way through the fog.

I thought that after the 'O' Levels, I could be free. But no, I realised a harsh truth that no one could ever be free. I would like to soar like a bird, fly to wherever I want. But I have no wings, and I have no one to show me the way. Somehow, I end up being cooped at home. Just like I normally do.

Everyone's gone. Gone... I don't know where? I'm alone again.

I'm not the smartest person and sometimes I don't really mind. But in these desperate times, the truth hurts. And the truth is that I could never survive in this world. Just by opening my eyes, I'm painfully aware that I could never compare to you, you and you. I do not wish to compare myself to others, but the truth is, your eyes forces you to see. It makes you see even if you don't want to. The world screams into your face "YOU IDIOT!"

Actually I never wanted to be really smart. I hated to be noticed, to be the center of the attraction. I wanted to be hidden from sight. I wanted to live in obscurity. But in trying to do so, I gain attention, in a bad way. My sister was an outstanding person, and on that basis on comparison, I stand out because of how contrasting I was to her. My mother tells me I'm the only child in her family who cannot get into a Junior College because my three other siblings could.

This made me question, how do you measure a person's worth? Through grades? again, we see the pressure society has on us. There is too many people on this Earth. And if we let the society judge us, I think I will be worth less than a cent.

"KILL YOURSELF!" The demon within me has repeated that for the past hour. But I shall not conform. This demon was created by society, and I shall resist it with all my might. To end my life just like that is meaningless. Nobody will care, nobody will blink an eye. Everyone shall move on, and I shall be forgotten. Living on, plodding through this miserable life, perhaps, perhaps, when I lie dying on my deathbed, I could die with the feeling of victory. The success of being able to survive. And perhaps find happiness in the midst of life.

My life is bleak and empty now. But perhaps, someday, someday, I might find life within life.

Watched Mama Mia today. The songs are ringing in my head now...hehe.. We keep laughing at the programs/CD guy. HAHAHAHA. I wonder if he knows we're laughing at him.
Mama Mia is nice. I find that Sam sings in a really funny way, but who cares? I'm being openly biased bcos he's the one that owns the bagpipe. And Khine Mon kept peering at the pit bcos there was a magazine featuring Jude Law there. As for cute guys...kixie likes one of the audience, Khine likes the conductor and Jude Law, as for me...??? i dunno. actually there was this dark haired guy whom i thought was pretty cute. But in one of the scene, he kissed a girl. I thought that was completely unnecessary bcos nobody is supposed to be looking at him. They're supposed to be looking at the main characters. So, why'd he kiss the girl for? Oh well, for that very unneccesary kiss, i don't like him. hehehe.
UH...tomorrow have to go to school. Boring. dunno wad I'll do after that...I'm always bored. I thought I'll have a lot of things to do. but apparently, everyone seems to be too busy doing their own things.

went to Mdm Su's house today. was full when i ate. why? i dunno. i only ate a teeny weeny bit of breakfast. So, didnt manage to pig myself like crazy. aih, the chicken looked good. wish i could go back n eat them now bcos i'm so hungry bcos there's no dinner. it's 11.30 pm. Where's my dinner? ok, i guess it's never going to come. will go to bed hungry :(

watched part of Air Force 1. more of the back part. and keep saying stupid things like people get promoted or not. and saw the bits from the Moulin Rouge trailer.

"I owe you nothing and you're nothing to me. Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love."

"Tell me you don't love me!"

"Love is like oxygen! Love is a many splendoured thing! Love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!"

ok, something wrong with me...again

YAY! Exams over! Laa dee dum!
went to German shop with kixie today. cool. all that German stuffs. plus got a lot of cute angmohs outside the shop. got one riding bicycle... anyway i bought zarkbitter schokolate.
yay...today can slack. can slack slack slack slack.
hmm...should plan wad to do for the rest of this year n next year:
1) Learn basic French for 3 months
2) go to JC, if cannot, go Institute. for 3 months only tho.
3) Get a penpal from China n ask about Universities in China.

i dunno why i want to go China. anyway, if u know anything good or bad about the universitites there, tell moi.

"Don't love me!"

"Oh! But I do!"

been watching too much of that Brides trailer...hehe...i feel like watching the show. looks so sad. i like sad shows. i'm a melodrama person...heheheh....plus so sad to see that single tear roll down Damian's face. After writing so much about Damian in my story, i'm starting to find him...fascinating. erhmm...better not say too much, later i kana slapped by kiki.

BEHOLD THE PICTURE! GASP! IT'S KIXIE AND DAMIAN!
and what's damian doing?
1) He could be singing the song "A whole new world" and he's come to the part where he sings "I can SHOW you the world"
2) He could be saying to kixie: I'll pluck the stars in the sky for you.
3) he could be saying "Let's travel the world together!"

Pardon me and my bad skills with photoshop. yah i know the pic looks fake....but HAHAHAHAHA  

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIKI!

Watched Bride n Prejudice with kixes n khine today. hahaha so farnie. of course the "first choice" and "last choice" were extremely delicious as well....opps...wrong description. i take that back, not going to face a two front war. Erm...ok they're cute :) that's mild enough, no?
When i saw Wickham, Josh Josh Josh from Kiki's story kept ringing in my head. and i went to re-read chap 19. goodness, why do i like that chappie so much? i really like it. oh and the slap. There was a slap, no two slaps in bride and prejudice. when i saw that i was, like WAH GREAT MAN! It's so exhilarating to see someone getting slapped...er...as long as that someone is not yourself.
hahaha..today is a nice day. but just the thought of having to go back n study is..........:(

READ MY STORY!

READ MY OTHER STORY!

ok i am so darn bored. ok....anyway, kixie keeps putting things like this in her blog, decides to promote my story too. but then again...kixie is my most frequent blog visitor and she has read both stories. *poing* knocks head.

Take my Quiz!

E maths paper was stupidly hard. bleh. dun wanna talk about it. i didn't even know it was today until late last night. uh well...shall think about wad to write for me story that i have to write by 11th November. ideas anyone???

SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU!

I am bloody mad. Damn everything.
I feel murderous now. I can probably kill someone with my eyes.
Feel like doing something completely crazy now. Like deleting all my stories with all that reviews. or take a knife and poke myself and see if it hurts. MAN, everything SUCKS. myself, most of all. BLEH.
no, i'm not going to do anything i said. just said it to vent my anger.
ah well, me think tis time to smile again.

WAHOO! Lit paper over!!! YAY! and my hand is still intact and typing away. my right hand's a little sore though. history is the only humanities subject left. :( the rest are mind boggling science and maths.
ah well, i shall not study today. I'll play. while the rest study amaths. wahaha. oops. i shouldn't laugh at the misfortune of others.
hm...maybe i should write my story today. aiyah..lazy. I'll just wait and read kiki's story.

Bleh. just came back from school. the time is 5.05 pm. tomorrow i'll be staying in school even later. anyways, today i studied Lit with Ha ra. We memorised 60 quotes from King of the castle. wahahah. i have never really memorised quotes before and i'm finally doing it. :) but I think I've forgotten half of it. and by tomorrow, i might forget all of it. and all that memorising plus the cold weather was making us hungry and it was late, so we went home.
Wrote 'Flight' for English. It was very much inspired by the song 'The other little soldier' by Josh Gracin. Except this time, the dad is in the air force.
shall take a break now. Study Twelfth Night later. and at night, memorise maths formulas.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....